On Communicating

Being able to say something in the clearest, most concise manner does not make one a good communicator. As a matter of fact, I have found that the more someone prides themselves as a good communicator, the worse they are. That's like saying they're a giant for being the tallest person in the crowd of 6th graders waiting in line for lunch at the school cafeteria.

One key ingredient is being sensitive to what the audience needs to hear and having the skills to give the audience what they need to understand your point. Listen and watch your audience's reactions. If necessary, explain the concept from a different context. When talking to a literary scholar, I can start with examples or quotes from famous writers. When talking to an engineer or scientist, I have to address the facts and figures that I can back up.

The biggest mistake someone can make is to put the other person on a defensive.

Once this happens, any semblance of logic usually goes out the door. In discussions and arguments, there must be logic. Even if it's one sided, at least one party needs to be logical enough to be able to deal with the other party's emotional outbursts. The best communication circumstance is when both sides are logical and being open to agree to disagree.

When someone disagrees with us, it very seldom means they're not a good person. Each of our experiences and points of views are unique. In our circumstances and point of view something can be correct and appropriate. But under a slightly different circumstance and/or point of view, that same something can be incorrect and inappropriate. We must be aware of this at all times.

Assume the best intentions of someone. Why assume otherwise? It only creates stress and turmoil in ourselves. If you're curious about their intention, ask. Though in my opinion, simply assuming the best intentions work even better. When someone critizes us, assume they're not personally attacking us personally. They are simply telling us what we did that was disagreeable to their point of view. Take this opinion, analyze it against your morals and your experiences. If they're right, do something about it. If you disagree simply say, "thank you for the input, I will be sensitive to your needs if I can" and you continue doing what you're doing.

One thing that really bothers me is when I argue/discuss an issue with someone sometimes we're saying the same things but under different definitions. Or we think we know what each other means by a definition but we don't. This has caused many misunderstandings. Be aware of this. Ask to make sure our definitions of key concepts are the same.

Last but not least, honesty. Not only do we need to be sincere and honest in our communications with others, they need to be honest too. Tell each other what you like AND didn't like. If I don't know that you don't understand my earlier point, we will have what the McMennamin brothers call a Communication Breakdown. By honesty I don't just mean not to lie. But honesty as in don't be embarassed to ask questions or to show dislikes.

Being a good communicator is not easy. The rules change almost every time you communicate with a different audience; sometimes even with the same audience. Don't be arrogant and think you are a good communicator, listen and watch your audience. Make sure to remember these points:

- be honest and let your audience feel at ease for being honest with you

- don't put someone on the defensive

- assume the best intentions

- they're not a bad person for disagreeing with us

- listen, be aware of what the audience needs in order to understand you

- define your boundaries and make sure they're the same with your audience