Home is where the heart is. That's what they say. I finally get it.
My cousins, aunts and uncles in Indonesia all make me feel at home. When I'm with them, I think, "maybe this is tolerable".
As soon as I'm not with them, however, I feel like I'm at a party full of people I don't trust or can get along with and I can't leave. I distrust everyone. When I'm in public I clutch my backpack close. I always look out for an exit strategy just in case something happens. I look at everyone as a potential threat and figure ways to neutralize them, groups of them even. I look at everyone in the eyes, challenging, making sure they don't see me as a victim.
My money is always separated into big bills and small bills and I never show the large bills unnecessarily. I never play with my electronics in public (maybe at the malls) in fear of being targeted. I don't wear nice clothes in fear of being targeted. I never trust what anyone tells me anymore (OK, maybe I do need to be less trusting, but I should be able to trust SOME people).
Here's the thing that might be difficult to understand for some people. It's not that these things are not things I don't have to worry about in Oregon. There are robbers, impolite people, bad drivers, untrustworthy people, you name it, they all exist in Portland and all over Oregon.
But it felt like home there. Like opening the door to your home and finding things familiar and comforting. Even if you don't like how small your TV is or that one spring poking out of the sofa, you know it. Even if your bed is hard as a rock, you're familiar with it.
That's the difference for me. Besides my family here, I don't feel at home. I don't feel that there is anything comforting. Everything is foreign and uncomfortable. Not just because it's a different culture. But because it's not home.